Unless special
circumstances exist, children generally fare best when they have the emotional
support and ongoing involvement of both parents. Ongoing parental involvement fosters positive parent-child
relationships and healthy emotional and social development. It is also beneficial to parents because it
makes it more likely that the parents will have positive relationships with
their children when the children become adults.
For parents who do not live together, it is important to cooperate with each other for the benefit of the
children. Children adjust more easily
to crisis and loss if their parents work together to develop healthy ways of
communicating, resolving problems, and reducing conflict. It is important for parents to remember that
formation of a positive parent-child relationship is a life-long process. The key to a successful parent-child
relationship is the quality of time, rather than the quantity of time, spent
together.
Establishing a visitation
schedule is an area where parents may experience conflict. This pamphlet is designed to assist parents
in creating visitation schedules that focus on their children's developmental
needs from infancy through adolescence.
It identifies key tasks that children normally accomplish at each stage
of development, and then identifies suggestions for visitation practices aimed
at promoting healthy development at each developmental stage. Emphasis is placed on the importance of
parents accommodating their children's changing needs by creating visitation
schedules that are routine and predictable, and yet flexible enough to change
in frequency and duration to accommodate their children's needs as they grow
older.
Parents are encouraged to
recognize that a visitation schedule that is best for one child may not be best
for the child's brothers and sisters.
Parents are also encouraged to understand that visitation schedules that
are best for their children may not be best for the parents. For the best interests of their children,
parents may need to tolerate disruption of their own schedules and more or less
visitation than they might otherwise choose.
Many parents may also need to address their own feelings of loss, envy,
anger, or disappointment when setting visitation schedules that are best for
their children.
Assumptions
The information in this pamphlet is based upon the following assumptions:
- The child will benefit from ongoing and active contact with both parents.
- One parent has sole or primary physical custody of the child.
- One parent has primary responsibility for the day-to-day care of the child.
- Both parents are fit to parent the child.
- Both parents are willing and able to parent the child.
- Child abuse, domestic violence, and chemical dependency issues do not exist.
Limitations
The information in this pamphlet:
- DOES NOT replace or change any visitation schedule agreed
upon by the parents or set forth in a court order.
- DOES NOT prohibit or limit parents or judges from establishing
visitation schedules that differ from those
recommended in this pamphlet.
- DOES NOT mandate minimum or maximum visitation times.
- DOES NOT apply to all families or to all children in all circumstances.
- IS NOT "the law" and,
while they are encouraged to do so, parents are not required to follow the
visitation suggestions in this pamphlet.
Special Situations
The visitation suggestions
in this pamphlet may not be appropriate if there is genuine concern about a
child's emotional or physical safety when with a parent. The visitation suggestions in this pamphlet
may not apply, or may need to be adjusted, if any of the following special
situations exist:
- Physical, sexual, or emotional child abuse has occurred.
- Domestic violence has occurred between the parents or between a parent and child.
- Drug or alcohol abuse has occurred.
Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, and Chemical Dependency
Parents who have valid
concerns for the safety of their children should seek help from an attorney,
mediator, court services, child psychologist, domestic abuse office, or the
local county social services agency.
When a Parent Has Been Absent
When a parent, for whatever
reason, has never been a part of the child's life or has not had any contact
with the child for an extended period of time either in person, by phone, or in
writing, both parents should consider the possible problems the child may have
if lengthy or overnight visitation were to start right away. Instead, the visitation schedule should
gradually re-introduce parent and child, taking into consideration the child's
stage of development and the child's ability transition well to visitation with
the parent.
What Parents Can Do to Help
Keep Children Out of the Middle
Parents can keep their children out of the middle of adult issues by not
using the children as messengers. Sometimes the message is something as
innocent as a reminder that the child must take her medication before
bedtime. Other times, the message may be that the child support payment
will be late. Unfortunately, we all know what happens to the bearer of bad
news. If the message was difficult for
one parent to say directly to the other parent, just imagine how difficult it
will be for the child to relay that message. Instead of using their children as messengers, parents should either
deal directly with each other or through a mutually agreed upon adult.
Parents can keep their
children out of the middle of adult issues by not asking them to report about
what is going on in the life of the other parent. Any time children are asked to
divide their loyalty, or to betray one parent to another, the children feel guilty
or as if they are being asked to stop loving one parent. It is certainly
appropriate for parents to show interest in the lives of their children by asking
"how was your weekend visit?"But, if the interest is not in the child or
in how the child feels, the child will pick up on this and may eventually feel
angry and used.
Parents can keep their
children out of the middle of adult issues by not attacking or putting down the
other parent.Some parents find themselves so angry with
the other parent that they vent their anger in front of their children.
Other parents may say things to try to make
themselves look good and the other parent look bad.
Children identify with both parents. If one parent puts down the other parent,
in the eyes of the
child it is as if that parent is also putting down the child.
Establish a Workable Means of Communication
Parents can help their
children by establishing a workable means of communicating with each other
about their children. At first, some
parents may find it difficult to separate their feelings about the relationship
or the other parent from their need to give and receive information about the
children. Parents can overcome this
problem by communicating with each other about their children in a
"business-like" manner. This
may include agreeing about the time, place, and manner of their communication.
It may also include establishing a list of
topics and sticking to it. Parents who
are unable to talk to each other because of ongoing conflict, hostility, or
issues of domestic violence, may find it easier to communicate by putting the
information in writing or by communicating through a mutually-agreed upon
adult. Except in cases where there is
an Order For Protection or other court order prohibiting contact, parents
should keep each other or a mutually agreed-upon third person advised of their
home and work addresses and telephone numbers. In cases where there is an
Order for Protection or other court order
prohibiting contact, the parent must follow the order or ask the court to
modify the order to permit communication regarding the children.
Resolve Conflict Quickly
Parents can help their
children by cooperating with each other and by quickly resolving their
conflict.Children whose parents are
involved in ongoing conflict over visitation, child support, or other issues
may experience anger, anxiety, depression, or developmental delays.
Parents may resolve conflict in a variety of
ways, including consulting family members, religious leaders, mediators,
visitation expeditors, county child support officers, attorneys, or
others. Parents may also wish to seek help
for their children by consulting a child psychologist or by seeking services
from the local social service agency.
Court administrators maintain lists of local mediators and visitation
expeditors. The local association of
attorneys maintains a list of attorneys.
Separate Visitation and Child Support
Parents can help their
children by not withholding child support or visitation. Children generally
fare best when they have the emotional and financial support and ongoing
involvement of both parents. A parent does not have a right to withhold
visitation or child support because of the other parent's failure to comply
with court-ordered visitation or support. In other words:
- The custodial parent cannot withhold visitation if the noncustodial parent fails to provide child support.
- The noncustodial parent cannot withhold child support if the custodial parent fails to allow visitation.
Rather than withholding
visitation or support, there are more productive, effective and, if need be,
legal ways for parents to resolve support and visitation issues. Parents experiencing conflict over
visitation or child support may wish to consult a mediator, attorney,
visitation expeditor, or county child support office.
Respect Parent-Child Relationships
Parents can help their
children by respecting and supporting each child's relationship with the other
parent. Unless agreed upon by both
parents, parents should not plan activities for children that conflict with the
other parent's scheduled time with the children. The time a parent is scheduled to spend with the children belongs
to that parent and the children. The
other parent should not interfere with this time. Parents can also help their children by adjusting the schedule to
permit their children to participate in reasonable extracurricular activities.
Facilitate Transition from One Parent to the Other
Parents can help their
children transition from one home to the other by understanding their
children's anxieties and by assuring them that both parents will continue to
love them and to be involved in their lives.
Children commonly experience separation anxiety. This does not necessarily mean that the
child has a poor relationship with either parent. For the child, it may be just like the divorce or separation is
happening all over again. Children under
age five generally do not understand the concept of time, such as hours, days,
or weekends. Parents of young children
can help them understand when the child will spend time with each parent by
creating a calendar with different colors for each parent.
Encourage Telephone and Other Contact
Parents can help their children by calling and writing to them and by reasonably encouraging and
assisting them to call and write to the other parent. Children do best when they are able to maintain contact with both
parents. While visitation is one way to
maintain that contact, other ways include telephone calls, letters, e-mail, and
other forms of communication. Telephone
calls between parent and child should be permitted at reasonable hours and at
the expense of the calling parent. Unless restricted by court order, parents have a right to send cards,
letters, packages, e-mail, audiotapes, and videocassettes to their
children. Children have the same right
to send items to their parents. Parents
should not interfere with these rights.
Establish Similar Household Routines
Parents can help their children by following similar routines for mealtime, bedtime, and homework
time. Parents can also help their
children by accepting that they have limited control over what happens in the
other parent's home and by respecting the authority of the other parent. From a very young age, children learn that
their parents have different parenting styles.
Children can adjust to some differences in routines between their
parents' homes. Developmentally,
though, children cope better when there is general consistency between their
parents' homes because it helps them have a sense of order.
Provide Child's Belongings
Parents can help their
children transition between their parents' homes by sending along the
children's important belongings, such as clothing, medicine, and
equipment. Parents can also help their
children by sending along personal objects, such as blankets, stuffed animals,
photos, or memorabilia of the other parent.
Support Contact with Grandparents and Other Extended Family
Parents can help their
children maintain important family ties by arranging for the children to visit
their father's family when they are with their father, and by arranging for the
children to visit their mother's family when they are with their mother.
Children who have had loving relationships
with their grandparents and other extended family members need to maintain
those ties, otherwise they may experience a sense of loss.
Facilitate Temporary Schedule Adjustments
Parents can help their
children by giving as much advance notice as possible when requesting a
temporary adjustment to the visitation schedule. Family emergencies, illness of a parent or child, or special
events of a parent or child may require temporary adjustment to the visitation
schedule. Parents can help their
children by scheduling an alternate visitation time to take place as soon as
possible.
Accommodate Vacation Plans
Parents can help their
children by understanding that it is important for each parent to vacation with
their children. Parents can help their
children by scheduling their vacation times so that they do not interfere with
the other parent's time with the children or with the children's
schedules. Vacation, whether during
school breaks or during the summer, can be a time for parents and children to
expand their relationship. Vacation is
also important because it gives the other parent time off from the demands of
parenting. Vacation time takes
precedence over regular visitation unless a court order or an agreement of the
parents provides otherwise.
Establish a Routine for Picking Up and Dropping Off Child
Parents can help their
children by agreeing on who will pick up and drop of the children and where this
will take place. Parents can also help
their children by having the children ready and by being on time. When picking up and dropping off children,
it is important to avoid communication that may lead to conflict. Neither parent should enter the home of the
other parent without permission.
Parents should take all necessary safety precautions when transporting,
picking up, and dropping off their children.
Visitation Suggestions
Generally
Children generally fare best
when they have the emotional and financial support and ongoing involvement of
both parents. Establishing a visitation
schedule is one way to ensure and foster that contact. The child's needs are the key factors for
parents to consider when establishing a visitation schedule. These needs change as the child grows older
and moves from one developmental stage to the next. The developmental needs of an infant, for example, are different
from those of a toddler or a teenager.
This section identifies key
tasks that children normally accomplish at each stage of development before
moving on to the next developmental stage.
In considering these developmental tasks, it is important to always keep
in mind that each child is unique, that all children do not progress at the
same rate, and that "normal" development has a tremendous range at
each age. Thus, some six-year-old
children progress quickly and do what might be typical of an eight-year-old
child, while other six-year-old children progress more slowly and do what might
be typical of a five-year-old child.
This section also identifies
visitation suggestions that promote healthy development at each stage. Rather than rigidly applying these
visitation suggestions, parents are strongly encouraged to apply them in a way that
best meets the specific developmental needs of each child. This may mean that parents establish
different visitation schedules for each of their children.
The child's developmental
stage is only one factor parents should consider when deciding which visitation
arrangement is best for each child.
Other factors parents need to consider when establishing a visitation
schedule include:
- Any special needs of the child and parents.
- The routines and schedules of the child and parents.
- Any mental health issues relating to the child or parents.
- Each parent's past caregiving history.
- The child's relationship with each parent.
- The child's relationship with grandparents and extended family members.
- The child's relationship with and any step-family members.
- The distance between parental homes.
- Whether the child's brothers and sisters will participate in the child's visitation.
- The child's temperament and ability to make a calm transition between homes.
- The length of time that has passed since the separation or divorce.
- The ability of the parents to cooperate.
- The child's and parents' cultural and religious differences.
- Transportation and other costs related to visitation.
- Any other factor(s) that will enable the child and noncustodial parent to maintain
a child to parent relationship that is in the best interests of the child.
Infants and Toddlers (Birth to 2 1/2 Years)
Developmental Tasks
The primary developmental
tasks of infants include establishing a sense of trust in their environment and
the people around them, forming an effective attachment with at least one
primary parent who consistently and promptly responds to their needs, becoming
comfortable with others who interact with them, and making their needs known
through crying or other signals. Infants and toddlers need frequent contact
with both parents and they do not cope well with numerous changes to their
schedules or routines. At approximately
six months, a child begins to make strong distinctions between primary
caregivers and others, which may result in the beginnings of separation
anxiety. Parents of infants begin to
bond with their children and to recognize their children's signals regarding
their need for food, comfort, sleep, and nurturance.
As children grow from
infants to toddlers, their developmental tasks include:
- an increasing sense of self-awareness
- the beginnings of a sense of independence
- the beginnings of speech development
and an increasing ability to provide self-comfort and self-regulation in
sleeping, feeding, and toileting.
- In addition, the parent's process of bonding with the child continues as children
grow into toddlers.
Visitation Considerations
Parents of infants should
establish a visitation schedule that is consistent, predictable, and routine in
nature. Depending upon the noncustodial
parent's availability and caregiving history, the noncustodial parent of an
infant should have short (one to three hour) but frequent (two to three times
per week) visitation during the day or early evening. As the child grows from infant to toddler and becomes more comfortable
with separation from the custodial parent, the duration of visitation should
increase. For parents who live far
apart, the noncustodial parent of an infant or toddler should travel to the
residential area of the custodial parent.
This may mean that visitation takes place in the home of the custodial
parent or in a nearby location where the child feels comfortable. It is important for parents of infants and
toddlers to establish one nighttime caregiver.
Overnight and extended visitation may not be appropriate for infants and
toddlers. However, children who are
able to make smooth transitions between homes, or who have older sisters or
brothers to accompany them on visitation, may be comfortable with overnight and
extended visitation.
What Parents Can Do to Help
Parents can help their infants and toddlers by:
- Establishing a consistent, predictable, and routine visitation schedule.
- Interacting with the child in a location where the child feels secure and comfortable.
- Gradually increasing the duration of visitation.
- Moving to overnight and extended visitation only when the child is able to make a
smooth transition between parental homes.
- Sending along personal objects, such as blankets, stuffed animals, and photos of the
parent.
Preschoolers (2½ - 5 Years)
Developmental Tasks
Preschoolers continue to
increase their sense of individuality.
They make significant gains in their verbal skills and become more
likely to express their feelings.
Preschoolers also develop a greater sense of curiosity and exploration,
and increase their abilities to imagine and fantasize. Children at this developmental stage may
think they are responsible for their parents' divorce or for their parents not
living together. They fear abandonment
and may fantasize that their parents will reunite. Their sense of security is affected by predictable and consistent
routines.
Visitation Considerations
Routine and consistent
visitation schedules are very important.
For parents who live far apart, it is usually best for the child if the
noncustodial parent travels to the residential area of the other parent. This may mean that visitation takes place in
the home of the custodial parent or in a nearby location where the child feels
comfortable. During this stage,
children may be comfortable with longer visitation periods, including
overnights. For younger children,
overnights should be limited to no more than one night per week. Older preschoolers may be able to have
additional overnights and lengthier visitation. Assuming the child has an ongoing relationship with the
noncustodial parent, vacation time may be appropriate. Weekend visitation that is increased
gradually may help preschoolers to make the transition to an extended vacation
time. Transitions are easier if children
bring with them personal objects, such as blankets, stuffed animals, photos, or
memorabilia of the parent. Because
preschoolers have improved verbal and comprehension skills, it is important for
parents to avoid speaking disrespectfully about the other parent or about
others in the home.
What Parents Can Do to Help
Parents can help their preschoolers by:
- Establishing a consistent, predictable, and routine visitation schedule.
- Gradually increasing the length of visitation, working up to overnights.
- Sending along personal objects, such as blankets, stuffed animals, and photos of the
parent.
- Avoiding criticism about the other parent and others in the home.
Elementary School (5 - 12 Years)
Developmental Tasks
Elementary school age
children are learning to develop relationships and cooperate with peers and
adults. At this age, children establish
foundations for academic and athletic skills.
Self-esteem, self-worth, moral development, and personal security are
issues for this age group. Elementary
school age children identify with and model the activities of the parent who is
the same sex as the child. Children
also become aware of their parents as individuals, often fear the loss of
parents, and feel sadness and anger because of their parents' divorce or separation. Self-blame, depression, and attempts to
reunite parents are not uncommon in this age group. Children need parental assistance in learning organizational
skills.
Visitation Considerations
While many elementary school
age children benefit from a primary home base, children at this stage of
development can also benefit from spending longer periods of time with their
noncustodial parent, assuming that they have developed and maintained a close
relationship with that parent. Children
of this age may be comfortable being away from their custodial parent on a
regular basis for visitation lasting two to three days and for longer periods
during school breaks and summer vacation.
The more time a child has spent with the noncustodial parent, the more comfortable
the child will be spending time away from the child's home base. For younger
children of this age group, frequent visitation (at least once per week) with
their noncustodial parent is desirable.
As a child matures, longer visitation with fewer transitions may be
preferred.
What Parents Can Do to Help
Parents can help their
elementary school age children by:
- Establishing and following a predictable visitation routine.
- Avoiding criticism about the other parent and others in the home.
- Encouraging and assisting in phone and letter contact with the other parent.
- Informing teachers of any stress the child is experiencing and getting help for
school-related problems.
- Encouraging and assisting the child to maintain contact with school, friends, and
extracurricular and community activities.
Adolescents (12 - 18 Years)
Developmental Tasks
During the early stage of
adolescence, children continue the process of establishing their identity and
self-worth.Through this process, and
with guidance from their parents, they establish a sense of self in
relationship to the rules and regulations of society. Adolescents also begin the process of separating from their
parents, during which they may mourn the loss of childhood, dependency, and
protection within the family. During
this stage, adolescents gain academic and/or athletic prowess, make and sustain
friendships, continue the process of gender identification, and begin to
explore intimate relationships.
During the later stages of
adolescence, young adults continue the process of establishing their
independence. They continue the
development of loyal friendships, begin to develop a work ethic, and begin to
develop aspirations. Young adults also
continue the process of gender identification and management of sexual
impulses. Adolescents need the support
and involvement of both parents. Adolescents may be embarrassed or angry about their parents'
relationship. They may begin to have doubts
about their own relationships with family members and peers, causing them
either to focus too much on relationships or to withdraw from
relationships. Adolescents may also
inappropriately act out by using drugs or by engaging in sex or other unhealthy
behaviors to attain a sense of belonging.
Visitation Considerations
It is important for parents of adolescents to maintain the child's accessibility to school, peers,
extracurricular and community activities from both homes. It is also important for each parent to
consistently apply the family rules of their own household.
Adolescents may need to be with friends more than with their family and, therefore, may resist a rigid
visitation schedule. Parents will need
to exercise greater flexibility, adapted to the increasing ability of the child
to take care of his or her own needs.
There will also need to be greater flexibility adapted to the child's
preferences -- an adolescent should not be forced to comply with a visitation
schedule about which the child had no input.
To accomplish this, parents should consider the child's wishes and
decide visitation issues together with the child.
Many adolescents benefit from a primary home base, with specific evenings, weekends, and activities at
the other home scheduled on a regular and predictable basis. Other adolescents, however, may be
comfortable spending equal time with each parent, including up to two weeks at
each residence. Adolescents may be
comfortable with one to three weekends of visitation per month, depending upon
the child's schedule, distance, and capacity to travel. The noncustodial parent should maintain
contact with the child's teachers and attend the child's performances and other
important events. Parents who live far
apart should establish, with input from the child, a permanent schedule with
some built-in flexibility.
What Parents Can Do to Help
Parents of adolescents can help by:
- Developing a visitation schedule by working with the child;
- Establishing a predictable schedule that is flexible enough to allow for the child's
activities;
- Consistently applying family rules and expectations; and
- Avoiding the assumption that a child's mood swings or behavioral acting out is caused by
the other parent.
Conclusions
Unless special circumstances
exist, children generally fare best when they have the emotional and financial
support and ongoing involvement of both parents. The lack of involvement of one or both parents may lead to
developmental problems later on in the child's life. Children adjust much better to crisis and loss if their parents
work together to develop healthy ways of communicating, reducing conflict, and
resolving problems. Parents can help
their children adjust to separation from a parent by establishing a visitation
schedule that focuses on the needs of their children. Children's needs change as they grow older and move from one
developmental phase to the next. For
this reason, each visitation schedule must be flexible, changing in duration
and frequency as the child gets older and moves from one stage of development
to the next. It is important for
parents to remember that formation of a positive parent-child relationship is a
life-long process, and that the key to a successful relationship is the quality
of time, rather than quantity of time, spent together.
Prepared by the Minnesota Supreme Court
Advisory Task Force on Visitation and Child Support Enforcement
Approved by the
Minnesota Conference of Chief Judges - January 1999
This information is not copyrighted
and may be reproduced,
but please include the following information:
If you have questions regarding "A Parental Guide
to Making Child Focused Visitation Decisions",
please contact: Judy Nord, Staff Attorney
Minnesota Supreme Court,
25 Constitution Ave., Suite 120
St. Paul, MN 55155
Phone: 651-282-3972 Fax: 651-296-6609
E-mail: judy.nord@courts.state.mn.us
